Posts Tagged Humor

I get this email every year, but I love it! In fact, I agree with it so much I’m posting it here. Enjoy!

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Most newspapers give endorsements to particular candidates during election times.  So, here at “Chasing Thoughts. . .” I have decided to unveil my endorsement for the presidential race.  I know, everybody has been dying to know who I will endorse, hanging on the edges of their seats in . . . . . . anticipation.  Well, today is your lucky day.  Today, we have learned not only that John McCain has chosen Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate, but you will also learn who I am endorsing for the presidency.

If you have ever read my blog before, then you know that I am very much AGAINST Obama.  For more reasons than I can really list in one post.  His pick of Joe Biden as his running mate is not exceptional.  Biden seems like a nice guy (I saw him on Leno months ago) but I cringe every time the man calls himself a Catholic.  Catholics do not support abortion. Ever.  Biden does.  Okay. . . I’m not going to continue down that rabbit trail at this time.

And, you may have guessed by now that I’m not a huge fan of Hillary, either.  It would be safe to say that I will never be able to support anyone who is pro-choice or who advocates a national healthcare system.  Hillary’s mistake, by-the-way, was not letting ol’ Bill campaign for her.  That man definitely has the gift of gab.  I don’t like his politics, but he’s easy to listen to.

And McCain . . . nope.  I don’t much care for him, either.  I just don’t understand why the Republican party couldn’t come up with someone more charismatic.  Like Napoleon Dynamite, for example.  Or his buddy Pedro.

So, I know everybody is absolutely dying to know who I am endorsing.  Okay, at first I considered Bill and Opus (If you don’t recognize those names, see the  “Bloom County” comics by Berke Breathed, 1980’s).  But, since it really probably is futile to cast my vote for actual cartoon characters (although it is often difficult to tell the difference) I realized my only choice was to vote for Dave Barry.  Yep, good ol’ Dave.  He is the only man in the country, who, at the end of every year, has actually kept track of the year’s events and takes the time to document them.  Sounds like he’s more than qualified, to me!  My family even has bumper stickers that say: “2008.  Dave Barry for President.  Yes, of the United States.”

Care to join our cause?  Visit Dave’s website. (I’ve included that link right here for your convenience, however it has always been in my sidebar links section under “Fun”.) If you want to buy a bumper sticker of your own, visit Dave’s Online Store.  Want to know where Dave stands on the issues?  Don’t miss Dave’s Q & A.

And, for those of you who just are dying to see what the bumper sticker looks like, here ya go:

I am sure that everybody is excited by this new option for presidency!  Hang in there, November is just around the corner, and you’ll have your chance to vote then.  See you on the campaign trail!